lyrics

So just say how to make it right
And I swear I'll do my best to comply
...

I feel i must interject here...
You're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave
...
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures
I know that I have made mistakes and I swearI'll never wrong you again

...
You've got allure I can't deny, I swear I'll do my best to comply...
Say goodbye...

[organized and edited for my enjoyment]

just want to throw out there that i'm doing all right, there have been some ups and downs in the last month or so - though i will say my time has been filled with mostly ups - a lot of smiles and goofy laughter and honesty. things change, enter, exit, ebb, flow, and i grow in the process, for that i am thankful. i'm happy to have this opportunity, i will do whatever it takes to hold on. i am learning that trust is where it's at, when trust fades the walls go up and in general people retreat, only leading to more insecurities. i must trust above all things, that what is good for me will remain in my path and in sight, and what is good for others will do the same.

family is good to hold on to - when i get ultra stressed i tend to shut down and block people out and retreat and turn into lonely-girl. lonely-girl doesn't get much done, slacks on relationships and splurges inappropriately. forget that noise, i'm still healthy-girl, inside and out, optimistic, open, and loving... i've been talking a lot to my girlfriends over the last week and it has proved immensley helpful, they are sparkling jewels who cannot comprehend their beauty and value. thank you for the love and support, ladies. and Mom, if you read this, i promise to be kind, even when the going gets tough and the most appealing option is to retreat or attack i know it's not healthy for anyone, especially me, so please accept my apology. you are my best friend and most trusted, i know you only want what is best for me, i simply need your love and support.

Gone 'Til November...

January, February, March, April, May
I see you cryin', but girl, I can't stay
I'll be gone 'til November, I'll be gone 'til November
And give a kiss to my mother.

Drumroll please, I'm back, again, I always do this. I've been reading more blogs lately and it hit me - Wait, I have a blog! I should check on it, make sure it's doing ok. Well, it's still here and I even had one (1) comment on a previous post from somebody that I don't even know so I am feeling like it's pretty cool to know people might actually look at this so maybe I'll write something...

A lot has changed. I have moved from GR back to Chicago (suburbs). This happened in July. GR was fun while it lasted, which was about 8 years for me... But, it just felt like it was time to go. I wasn't feeling positive, I wasn't acting positively, and I felt like I was existing and floating through life - not really living it. This is not a good thing. So I moved 'home.' Back to Palos, back to the bedroom I grew up in, the walls that have held me since i was 13 months old. Some things have definitely changed. My mom, very kindly, saw to it that the walls were no longer covered in pink sponge paint, cleared her boyfriends clothes out of my closet, and got rid of my old crap furniture so I could move in my older crap furniture that I've grown accustomed to. Home is good, I was a major stress case about moving back and 'losing my independence' but that has subsided. Home is safe, easy, and good for me - for now. I got a job doing social work as a caseworker with the elderly. I give them services to keep them in their homes. Far superior as a 'first time social work job' than say - taking kids away. I get to give things. They like me. Other things have changed, too since I moved. Let's take a look at my New Years resolutions for '08 that I posted a while back.

Lose like 20 lbs. Check. I have lost 27 since moving back to Chicago. =)
Take the stairs at every opportunity. Check. Well, if it's not more than 3 flights.
Vitamins vitamins vitamins! I take super B complex vitamins and calcium every day.
Driver's License Check.
Car Check. Super hot Volvo.
Meaningful friendships and relationships Check. Some fade in and out, but that is fine.
Lots of Laughter Check.
Better J-O-B Check.
Possibly Graduate School. (Rachel has opened my eyes as to how wonderful it is.) .... not yet.
Be financially responsible. Hahahahahahaha......
Cook. Check.
Love. I do my best to let love flow in and out, most days.

Well, I think I've done pretty good. When I am stressed of feeling like a failure I should look at this list. Also, I bought a laptop. Enough about me, for now. It's been a lazy Sunday thus far and I reeeeally want to get out of this recliner and go to the gym. Ok, I don't really want to, but I know I should. Thanksgiving is this coming Thursday. Hopefully it is better than last years, when I was bored in the hospital watching Field of Dreams attempting to read the Economist. Will update more later, if you are still reading...

Love You JVK

Mom called at 6 and had "gotten some bad news." My grandpa, John Philip Van Kampen died today. I'm not even really sure how old he was, maybe 74 or 75 or somewhere in there. Grandpa John was the 'cool grandpa' for as long as I can remember. He was funny and loved tricks. He had the fake boogers, ice cubes with flies in them, and would do the funniest trick I have ever seen someone do with their dentures. He had a stroke about 4 years ago and it really changed him. He would still tell the same corny jokes over and over again, yes - but he just wasn't the same. His sight went bad, he couldn't drive, he became unsteady. He was still so sweet and would tell me that I was "looking so pretty these days" and reach into his jacket to grab some tootsie rolls to put in the hands of me and my cousins.

Now I'm torturing myself thinking if there were any opportunities I could have taken advantage of in seeking his advice. Any life lessons I could have gotten from him in the past few years, or missed chances to just sit and hang out with him on the couch this past Christmas. Doesn't make sense to do that though, just take away what I can and think fondly of him. I miss him already. I know he is in a better place and that is sure to be a comfort once I get over my selfish human mourning.

Think I'll go get a tootsie roll....

DSM Axis V, 40-50

This has been quite the weekend. I don't need to expand too much for the sake of saving face but let's just say that someone who hasn't been a friend in a very long time finally unfriended me on myspace. I was outspoken, rash, and emotional. I suppose the numerous instances of me being capable of understanding in my dealings with cette person does not matter in the grand scheme of their capability to be that way to me. Oh well, it's for the best. I'm tested - and this will only help things along. If it's not in my face, I cannot think about it. Or dwell, or stew, or long...

It was just Easter, which was wonderful. I took my pal Tiffany to my Aunt and Uncle's house in Hudsonville. We ate, slept, relaxed, laughed... It was of great console to be surrounded by Love and family/friends.

It seems more often lately, I've been lonely. I have the desire to be with someone. I don't want to go out all the time - I want someone to stay home with. My friends are great, and I am so thankful to have them. I have been alone (technically speaking) for a year now. No formal others to be in my life. I don't know why it's bothering me so much now, but maybe because spring is on the horizon, not that I can make a connection but I need something to excuse my misery. Something to chalk it up to. I'm a bad blogger.

I think I might just continue letting House confuse the hell out of me on t.v. and drink my wine.

posted via mobile

Here I am, bored enough on a Friday night with nothing to do but sued internet via blackberry. Good thing that I am saving money, bad thing I am going nuts.

I wish I could have gone to Chicago today with Jill and W. Short notice, a rush, and an overall feeling of "blaaah" held me back. Apparently Fox News is more exciting than my favorite city these days? Not so much. So I sit, drink bad wine, smoke, and contemplate. I wonder why I showered and got ready for the chance that someone might call, and surprise! I'm ready on a whim. I'm almost ready, mentally speaking, to go to bed. Hmm.

Thank God for best friends and cell phones to disrupt this sad bored-girl blog.

mani's and pedi's

Tonight after work Jill and I are going to the salon to be pampered. It is at moments like these where I wish I didn' t pick at my nails until they were tiny scratchy little nubs, and I could go get some beautiful New Year's polish for '08. Ugh. Maybe some parafin wax and a hand massage will make me feel special.

I had the most bizarre dream last night that I rode on the back of a certain new friend and beautiful lady's motorcycle to a karaoke bar that only had picnic tables and red solo cups with bad beer. None other than dd arrived, who suddenly had an irish accent. What the.......? =/

I am thinking about New Years Resolutions.

• Lose like 20 lbs.
• Take the stairs at every opportunity.
• Vitamins vitamins vitamins!
• Driver's License
• Car
• Meaningful friendships and relationships
• Lots of Laughter
• Better J-O-B
• Possibly Graduate School. (Rachel has opened my eyes as to how wonderful it is.)
• Be financially responsible.
• Cook.
• Love.

Follow Up

At work we have Follow Up time scheduled into our day to complete "unfinished business." I feel that my blog has become a sort of unfinished business, so hopefully with a recent bout of creativity and a poetry jam session with the ladies I'll be feeling more inspired. I'm going to give my best feeble attempt to write about things other than men or heavy hearted emotions. T is for try.

Forgive me, but I have to rant.

I'm in billing training at work and it just so happens that about a week ago we sent letters to everyone who is on a monthly payment plan is going to be double billed in either January of February. I too, would be peeved. However, I did not build this faulty "system" and I am tired of people telling me that we F*ed it up. I had to tell a woman today that it was not me personally that had F*ed up her billing. Oops.